“I Was Shot in the Heart! tells the story of an unnamed suburban dad as he navigates his acrimonious divorce, spends too much time watching TV and on the computer, gets addicted to pills, loses his job as a mortgage broker, shoots and kills a small-time drug dealer, finds God, and commits suicide by cop at a 24/7 Stop and Shop in White Plains, NY.
On "I'm a Soldier," our guy reveals himself to be an internet-addled right-wing divorced guy steals valor from veterans, imagining that his struggles against lib-friends-and-loved ones online transfer some veteran-status to him. There is nothing funnier than someone who feels that they are constantly wronged and victimized but aren’t, who imagines persecutors and foes everywhere but they’re only in his head. It’s also the most common type of person that exists in America. Failing to steal veteran valor, he poses as a security guard at a restaurant, and faces embarrassment. He heals himself with food.
For years, I’ve wanted to write about the feeling of watching a sizzling plate of fajitas leave a restaurant kitchen, the way the restaurant falls to a hush for a moment as the patrons listen to the sound of the meat frying on the platter, people across the restaurant regretting their order as the tray makes its way to the diner. Some stories are too fine, too real for art. This outro was the closest I got.” – Will Schwartz / The Male Pattern
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